Myths about domestic abuse 

Myths about domestic abuse

There are many myths around domestic abuse and its causes. Help us challenge some of the most widely believed and deep-rooted misconceptions.

Myth #1: If it was that bad, she’d leave.

Reality: Women stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons, and it can be very difficult for a woman to leave an abusive partner – even if she wants to. Like any other relationship, one that ends in abuse began with falling in love and being in love. Abuse rarely starts at the beginning of a relationship, but when it is established and often harder to leave.  

A woman may still be in love with her partner and believe him when he says he is sorry and it won’t happen again; she may be frightened for her life or for the safety of her children if she leaves; she may have nowhere to go; she may have no financial independence; she might not be sure what will happen to her immigration status. Abusers often isolate their partners from family and friends in order to control them, making it even more difficult for an abused woman to exit the relationship.  

Leaving can be the most dangerous time for a woman. Careful planning is important because abusers can become more violent and controlling. Making a safety plan helps to think about ways to keep safe while leaving, and afterwards.   

Women in abusive relationships need support and understanding – not judgement. Read more about why people stay and how to support them in the Friends and Family Handbook.  

Myth #2: All couples argue – it’s not domestic abuse; it’s just a normal relationship.

Reality: Abuse and disagreement are not the same thing. Different opinions are normal and completely acceptable in healthy relationships. Abuse is not a disagreement – it is the use of physical, sexual, emotional or psychological violence or threats in order to govern and control another person’s thinking, opinions, emotions and behaviour. When abuse is involved, there is no discussion between equals. There is fear of saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing.

Myth #3: He can be a good father even if he abuses his partner – the parents’ relationship doesn’t have to affect the children .

Reality: Non-abusive family members often go to great lengths to try to shield children from the effects of domestic abuse (Holt et al, 2008; Lapierre, 2010). Unfortunately, in most cases children will be fully aware of the abuse, and evidence shows that children are acutely aware of the controlling behaviour of adult perpetrators of abuse, and themselves attempt to manage the effects of this abusive behaviour.  

The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises children under the age of 18 years who see, or hear, or experience the effects of the abuse, as a victim of domestic abuse, if they are related or have a parental relationship to the adult victim or perpetrator of the abuse. There is growing evidence which shows how children themselves are often subject to the same coercive and controlling tactics by the perpetrator as the non-abusive parent, and perpetrators may harm children as a way of controlling the adult victim.   

To find out more about children and domestic abuse click here. Or to support us in our campaign to end preventable child deaths in the context of domestic abuse, join our Child First campaign.  

Myth #4: Domestic abuse is a private family matter, and not a social issue. 

Reality: Violence and abuse against women and children incur high costs for society: hospital treatment, medication, court proceedings, lawyers’ fees, imprisonment – not to mention the psychological, economic and physical impact on those who experience it. Domestic abuse happens every single day all over the world, and affects women of all ages, classes and backgrounds. It is a serious, widespread crime, committed by people we may interact with every day, including people who work in positions of trust.  

Domestic abuse is committed by people in every profession – those in positions of authority, those in caring roles, and those in everyday jobs across all sectors. Despite this, Women’s Aid and other organisations like us are still campaigning to ensure that survivors’ voices are heard. When we describe domestic abuse as a ‘private family matter’, we minimise, condone and permit it.  

Myth #5: Domestic abuse always involves physical violence. 

Reality: Domestic abuse does not always include physical violence. Women’s Aid defines domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, by a partner or ex-partner. These incidents can include coercive control; psychological and/or emotional abuse; physical abuse; sexual abuse; economic abuse; harassment; stalking; and/oronline or digital abuse.

Myth #6: Men who abuse women are mentally unwell.  

Reality: Violence and abuse against women and children incur high costs for society: hospital treatment, medication, court proceedings, lawyers’ fees, imprisonment – not to mention the psychological and physical impact on those who experience it.

All too often, when women disclose their abuse, no one listens to them, and no one asks them what they would like to happen next. That’s why Women’s Aid developed Change that Lasts. It places the survivor at the heart and builds responses around her needs and the strengths and resources available to her.

Domestic abuse happens every single day all over the world, and affects women of all ages, classes and backgrounds. It is a serious, widespread crime. Despite this, Women’s Aid and other organisations like us are still campaigning to ensure that survivors’ voices are heard. When we describe domestic abuse as a ‘private family matter’, we minimise, condone and permit it.

Myth #7: Alcohol and drugs make men more violent. 

Reality: Alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse, or be a catalyst for an attack, but they do not cause domestic abuse. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner, so it should never be used to excuse violent or controlling behaviour. The perpetrator alone is responsible for his actions. 

Myth #8: Domestic abuse isn’t that common.

Reality: We know through our work over the last 50 years with survivors and local services that domestic abuse is very common. On average, one woman is killed by a male partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales (ONS, 2025a). Domestic abuse has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime, and in the year ending June 2025, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds (ONS, 2025b).   

There are no reliable prevalence data on domestic abuse, but the Crime Survey of England and Wales (CSEW) offers the best data available. In May 2025, the latest figures, to the year ending March 2024, found that nearly a third of women (30.3%) have experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16 (ONS, 2025c).   

To find out more about how common domestic abuse is, click here.  

Myth #9: Men who abuse their partners saw their fathers abuse their mothers.  

Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and because of this many people have grown up in an environment where there is domestic abuse. Most of these people will never perpetrate domestic abuse in their own relationships, so it is never an excuse – and some of our most passionate supporters are childhood survivors of domestic abuse.  

Myth #10: She provoked him.

Reality: This myth is widespread and deep-rooted in misconceptions that a woman must have done something to deserve it. It is often based on the belief that the man is the head of the family, and that his role is to punish his partner or children if they act in a way he doesn’t approve of.  

This myth is dangerous because any reference to ‘provocation’ means that we are blaming the woman and relieving the abuser of responsibility for his actions. Abuse or violence of any kind is never the victim’s fault. Responsibility always lies with the perpetrator, and with him alone.  

If someone confides in you that they are experiencing domestic abuse, there are some simple things you can do to support them. However, if the person you are worried about has not directly disclosed the abuse to you, it can be more difficult to support them but it’s good to understand how you can be there for them.  

The Family and Friends handbook can help answer pertinent questions about how we support those closest to us.  

Myth #11: Women are just as abusive as men. 

Reality: In the vast majority of cases, domestic abuse is experienced by women and perpetrated by men. At least one woman a week is killed by her male partner or former partner in England and Wales (ONS, 2025a). Data supplied from 32 police forces showed that the victim was female in 72.1% of domestic abuse-related crimes recorded by the police in the year ending March 2025, compared with 27.9% of domestic abuse-related crimes where the victim was male (ONS, 2025a). This proportion was similar for most offence categories. For domestic abuse-related sexual offences, the proportion of female victims was 90.9%, compared with 9.1% for males (ONS, 2025a). These findings follow trends seen over previous years. Domestic abuse is a gendered crime that is deeply rooted in the societal inequality between women and men.  

Women are more likely than men to experience multiple incidents of abuse, different types of domestic abuse, and sexual violence particularly. Domestic abuse exists as part of the wider spectrum of violence against women and girls, which also includes different forms of family violence such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so-called “honour crimes” that are perpetrated primarily by family members.  

For more information on the gendered nature of domestic abuse, click here.  

Myth #12: Women often lie about abuse. 

Reality: False allegations about domestic abuse are extremely rare (CPS, 2022). This myth is extremely damaging, because the fear of not being believed can and does deter women from reporting the abuse they have experienced.   

It is integral that all levels of society are aware of the reality and impact of domestic abuse because much of domestic abuse goes unreported. Research demonstrates a lack of understanding about the complexities of domestic abuse by professionals in the criminal justice system, accompanied by inconsistent responses where some women are believed over others, leaving many unable to access justice. Evidence suggests that less than 1 in 5 survivors feeling able to report their experience to the police.  

Myth #13: Women are more likely to be attacked by strangers than by those who claim to love them.

Reality: In fact, the opposite is true. Women are far more likely to be assaulted, raped and murdered by men known to them than by strangers. Nine in ten (92.5%) of rapes against women during the year ending March 2022 were carried out by someone they knew, and perpetrators were most likely to be an intimate partner (46.2%) (ONS, 2023).​  

On average, one woman is killed by a male partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales (ONS, 2025a).   

Myth #14: Domestic abuse is a ‘crime of passion’, a momentary loss of control. 

Reality: Domestic abuse is rarely about losing control; but taking control. Perpetrators rarely act spontaneously when angry. They consciously choose when to abuse their partner: when they are alone, and when there are no witnesses (if there is a witness, then usually they are a child). They have control over whom they abuse.  

Myth #15: Pornography is not linked to violence against women. 

Reality: Most consumers of pornography are male, and pornographic material is becoming increasingly explicit, violent, and focused on male pleasure and entitlement. It’s also freely available to anyone online, and studies indicate it is how many young people find out about sex.  

Pornography contributes to a culture of misogyny, in which women and girls are abused by men for male pleasure. Women are harmed by pornography in two ways: directly, when they are used for the production of pornographic material; and indirectly, through the effects of mainstream availability and consumption of violent pornography.  

Myth #16: Some women are attracted to abusive men.  

Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and it is not uncommon for a woman to experience abuse in more than one relationship. To suggest that some women are particularly attracted to abusive men is victim-blaming. A perpetrator of domestic abuse can be charming and charismatic when he first meets a new partner, and often no one, let alone the woman he has just met, would suspect he would ever be abusive in a relationship.