Mary
30, California
Mary was the youngest of four girls raised in a Christian home, but home was lacking in many areas. Her mom struggled with severe depression and debilitating obesity and her dad was an alcoholic through most of her youth.
Although her mom was nurturing, her needs often overrode the needs in the family. For Mary’s entire life, her mother did everything from either the couch or her bed. Her father wasn’t around much, so she and her siblings were unattended most of the time.
“We lived in chaos, and our house was filthy,” said Mary. “As a small child I remember staying up with my mom until six in the morning and sleeping all day. And if, during the day, she was awakened I remember she yelled and gave spankings. At times it was nothing to be hit 30 to 40 times with a hammer handle or tree branch, and have bruises up and down our backs and legs. If dad was angry he would use a belt on us or slap, spank, and sometimes hit us.”
“We were viewed by the small town where we lived as disgusting, grungy and unattended,” she continued. “We were the kids other parents kept their children from. Other children were not allowed to come to our home we could only go to theirs. I remember being invited to birthday parties where the child inviting me would say, ‘I didn’t want you to come but my mom made me ask you’.”
“I believed what others said about me,” admits Mary. “I believed I was dirty, not as good as, and beneath other people. I saw in other families what I wanted: meals together, spending time with parents, conversations with parents, and rides to school. Watching these families caused me to resent my parents.”
When Mary was 12 years old, she was hit by a drunk driver as a pedestrian. She flew 75 feet into the air and landed on her head. Her life was spared, but she continues to deal with many physical problems as a result. She carried the financial burden of all her medical expenses along with the relentless pain, which got worse as the years went on.
She left home at 18, and moved from place to place.
“I felt so scared, alone and unloved that a cycle of behaviors became evident: isolation, depression, stuffing emotions, then blowing up and acting out,” Mary continued. “These cycles got closer and closer together, and I became harder and harder. I would drink to excess, sleep with anyone and allow anything because I believed no one cared. Finally, I realized that nothing I did was going to fix what was wrong.”
That’s when Mary found A Friend's House (AFH). “Coming here was my life preserver. AFH gave me a safe environment where the burden of finances was lifted, so I could focus on what I needed to,” she said.
Like all residents, Mary came to our program with a lot to work on, even more than she was aware of.
“I learned to be teachable, which was imperative for any of the program to make a difference. I learned to listen for a person’s intent, instead of what I believed they said. I learned to allow myself to be fallible, which helped me be okay with where I came from.
Allowing people access to the real me, instead of the persona I created, was hardest of all. Especially because I was blinded by the persona more than anyone,” she said.
Mary graduated exactly one year and one day after she moved in at A Friend's House. Six months later she took time to reflect on her experience at AFH:
“I look back at what an amazing opportunity it was, and am so grateful. Yes it was humbling, but even that was part of the process. Allowing people to see me in my vulnerable state was hardest of all. Since graduating I’ve seen myself begin pulling away from people when I need them the most. The amazing part is that I can now recognize it, before it is too late.
I’ve been so transformed by each and every person who is a part of AFH. I know I couldn’t have done this without countless people involved. It is humbling to think that God would go to such effort for me, and that AFH supporters would go to such effort for someone they don’t know. I will always remember Bluffton as the community that God used to encourage me, challenge me and transform me.”
Mary also has a message for anyone considering A Friend's House:
“If I could say one thing to the girls that come through those doors, it would be take the time and invest in yourself. Take a step back from yourself and even the way you think and listen to what the advocates have to say. Realize that all the staff is there to help you. That is the reason they come to work, to aid you in your journey. I would say that the year I spent at AFH was the hardest thing I have ever done, but every minute was worth it.”
