12 November 2010

From Chaos to Clarity

This is a testimony of the power of Jesus, and what He has accomplished through your generosity, a lot of hard work and the vessels at A Friend’s House.

I was the youngest of four girls raised in a Christian home. My home life was lacking in most areas.　My Mom struggled with severe depression and debilitating obesity, diabetes and many other physical problems. My father was an alcoholic the majority of my youth and dealt with his own isolated problems.

Nothing about my life was normal. While my mom was nurturing, her needs often overrode the needs in the family.　For my entire life my mother did everything from either the couch or her bed. My dad was never around, so my siblings and I were unattended the majority of the time.　We fended for ourselves for most meals.　We lived in chaos, and our house was filthy.

As a small child I remember staying up with my mom until six in the morning and sleeping all day.　 And if, during the day, she was awakened I remember she yelled and gave spankings.　At times it was nothing to be hit 30 to 40 times with a hammer handle or tree branch, and have bruises up and down our backs and legs. If dad was angry he would use a belt on us or slap, spank, and sometimes hit us.

We were viewed by the small town where we lived as disgusting, grungy and unattended.　 We were the kids other parents kept their children from. Other children were not allowed to come to our home we could only go to theirs. I remember being invited to birthday parties where the child inviting me would say, "I didn’t want you to come but my mom made me ask you".

I believed what others said about me. I believed I was dirty, not as good as, and beneath other people.　I saw in other families what I wanted: meals together, spending time with parents, conversation with parents, and rides to school. Watching these families caused me to resent my parents.

At age 12 I was hit by a drunk driver as a pedestrian. I flew 75 feet into the air and landed on my head. My life was spared, but I have dealt with many physical problems as a result, from horrendous migraines to excruciating pain throughout my entire body that the doctors didn’t know how to help. I carried the financial burden of all my medical expenses along with the relentless pain, which got worse and worse as the years went on.　　

At age 18 I left home, and moved from place to place. I isolated myself through the years and eventually started looking to other means besides the Lord for help. I felt so scared, alone and unloved that a cycle of behaviors became evident: isolation, depression, stuffing emotions, then blowing up and acting out. This was always followed by repentance. These cycles got closer and closer together, and I became harder and harder.

At these times I would feel nothing mattered: not morality, good intentions, or priorities.　I would drink to excess, sleep with anyone, and allow anything because I believed no one cared.　Finally I realized that nothing I did was going to fix what was wrong.

Coming to A Friend’s House was my life preserver. AFH gave me a safe environment where the burden of finances was lifted, so that I could focus on what I needed to.

I came with a lot to work on. So much of it I wasn’t even aware of. I learned to be teachable, which was imperative for any of the program to make a difference. I learned to listen for a person’s intent, instead of what I believed they said. I learned to allow myself to be fallible, which helped me be okay with where I came from. Allowing people access to the real me, instead of the persona I created, was hardest of all, especially because I was blinded by the persona more than anyone. These things may not seem like much to you, but to me they were necessary.

I was surprised at how much the staff placed responsibility on us as residents.　I was taught how to process through the misperceptions of my childhood, and saw how much I really hated myself. I was shown the ways of thinking that made me feel isolated and unloved, and now I am learning to believe the worth I have as a being created in God's image.

I’ve been so transformed by each and every person who is a part of AFH. You may not think much of your part in AFH, but all of it enabled the work that happened in my life. I know I couldn’t have done this without countless people involved. It is humbling to think that God would go to such effort for me, that you as donors would go to such effort for me, someone you don’t know.　

I will always remember Bluffton as the community that God used to encourage me, challenge me and transform me. You will never be forgotten.