{"id":47532,"date":"2025-04-04T13:52:24","date_gmt":"2025-04-04T12:52:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/?page_id=47532"},"modified":"2025-06-04T14:35:30","modified_gmt":"2025-06-04T13:35:30","slug":"theyve-decided-to-stay","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-decided-to-stay\/","title":{"rendered":"They&#8217;ve decided to stay, how can I help?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-page\" data-elementor-id=\"47532\" class=\"elementor elementor-47532\" data-elementor-post-type=\"page\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-4cfa06f e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"4cfa06f\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7dc23f4 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"7dc23f4\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h1>They&#8217;ve decided to stay, how can I <b>help?<\/b><\/h1>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-560f0a9 elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"560f0a9\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-02e97d1 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"02e97d1\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h2>On this page:<\/h2><ul><li><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-decided-to-stay\/#reasons\">Reasons why people stay &amp; ways to help<\/a><\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-fdb81e2 elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"fdb81e2\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-af4fd6e elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"af4fd6e\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tWe know that one of the most difficult things to understand, and to cope with, is a survivor deciding to stay in the relationship. Or, if they leave\/end the relationship, and then return to it.\n\nMany of the people we speak to, tell us how they struggle, at times, not to feel angry or frustrated about the decisions a survivor is making. And then they feel guilty and upset with themselves for feeling cross about the situation. These are very\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/looking-after-yourself\/#impact\">common impacts<\/a>\u202f\u2013 and people usually feel this way because they care about the survivor, they want her to be safe, and they want the situation to be resolved.\n\nIf you feel able to, there are many things that you can start doing or keep doing, even if the person you are supporting stays within the relationship. And perhaps one of the most important things, is to understand some of the common reasons why people may struggle to leave or end relationships with an abuser.\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-0b3bae3 elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"0b3bae3\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-40ce2ab elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"40ce2ab\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h2 id=\"reasons\">Reasons why people stay &amp; ways to help<\/h2><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">From the outside, it can be difficult to understand how complicated relationships can be when experiencing abuse, and how much fear and\u202fdanger\u202fare involved in the leaving\/ending process. There are all sorts of reasons why people stay in the relationship, and it can be helpful to learn about these, so that you understand the situation from the survivor\u2019s point of view.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">This may also help you to think about how you can continue to offer support during this period of time. Being patient and kind in your support, and \u2018<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">being there<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u2018 in a variety of ways as you\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/how-can-i-help-over-time\/\">offer help and support over time<\/a>\u202fis useful. And there are also other things you can do which are connected to the reasons why people stay.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Every situation is different, but some of the common reasons why women stay in relationships while experiencing abuse, even if they want to leave, include the following:<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-0a95c88 elementor-widget elementor-widget-accordion\" data-id=\"0a95c88\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"accordion.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1101\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"1\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1101\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Hope\u202fthat the abuser will change or that the situation will get better<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1101\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"1\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1101\"><p><span class=\"TextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">Abusers can be very clever at manipulating people, making them believe<\/span> <span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">that things will get better, or be different, in the future. Sometimes they do this by saying \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">s<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">orry<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">\u2019,<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\"> making <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">promises that they will change, or by using gifts, kindness, and loving words or gestures towards the survivor.<\/span> <span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">However, apologies do not excuse<\/span> <span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">abuse, and behaviour like saying sorry<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">, <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">offering gifts<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\"> or <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">promising<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\"> to change can be used as <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">tools<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\"> to keep the survivor within the relationship. It does not mean that the abuse will <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">end,<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\"> or th<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">at the control over the survivor <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW254448036 BCX8\">will decrease.<\/span><\/span><span class=\"EOP SCXW254448036 BCX8\" data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><em>\u201cHe probably told me more than 100 times that he was sorry, and that he could change. I really, really wanted to believe that things could be different one day.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote><p align=\"right\"><strong>Survivor<\/strong><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">If someone is really hopeful that things will get better, they will probably find it hard to hear any views which challenge this, and they may distance themselves from you if you strongly share opinions which are different to theirs. What you can do, is to\u202f<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/how-can-i-offer-support\/#whatcanIdo\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">ask gently<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202ffor more information about these hopes for change. So, for example, if the person says that an abuser\u2019s behaviour has been kind recently and that they think this is the start of a big change, you could ask them questions about whether the abuser has been kind in the past, what changes they are hoping for, and how they will know if those changes have happened.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">In this way, you are not confronting the survivor with a different opinion about their hopes, but you are giving them space to think through what their hopes are, what this means for them, and whether the hopes are realistic.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1102\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"2\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1102\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Fear\u202ffor safety<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1102\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"2\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1102\"><p id=\"Fear\">Women who are experiencing domestic abuse may be scared to end the relationship. They may be fearful for their own safety, the safety of people they care about (including children), and the safety of pets. Abusers often make threats to hurt, injure, or kill a survivor, or her friends, relatives, or pets, if she makes the decision to leave.<\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">An abuser may also threaten to damage a survivor\u2019s property or possessions, or to share intimate images of them. Having lived in the relationship with the abuser, survivors are often aware of the violence and abuse they\u2019re capable of.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Never try to persuade someone that the risk is less than they believe it is. If the person decides to remain in the relationship, the best thing you can do is seek help and advice yourself from\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/services-and-resources\/\">specialist services<\/a>\u202fto find out how dangerous the abusive situation is, and how you can support the person you know to leave safely, and remain safe, when they are ready.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">You could also let the survivor know that you are concerned about her safety (and the safety of her children) and, if she is happy to talk with you about this, there are\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-told-me-whats-happening\/#doing\">general safety tips\u202f<\/a>you can share.\u202f<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><b><span data-contrast=\"none\">Remember in an emergency situation you should always call 999 for the Police. If you cannot talk, you will be asked to <\/span><\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/www.policeconduct.gov.uk\/our-work\/key-areas-of-work\/silent-solution\"><b><span data-contrast=\"none\">press 55<\/span><\/b><\/a><b><span data-contrast=\"none\"> to be put through.\u00a0<\/span><\/b><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><b><span data-contrast=\"none\">Use\u202f<\/span><\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/999bsl.co.uk\/\"><b><span data-contrast=\"none\">999 BSL<\/span><\/b><\/a><b><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202ffor a British Sign Language interpreter to connect you to emergency services.<\/span><\/b><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1103\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"3\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1103\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">For the sake of\u202fchildren<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1103\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"3\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1103\"><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">If children are part of the situation (for example, the survivor has children or the abuser has children), a survivor may be concerned about the impact on the children if she ends the relationship. A survivor may feel that children need 2 parents\/parental figures (or contact with their extended families) in order to thrive \u2013 in the UK, there are strong societal and cultural opinions about this, and particularly about the rights of parents to interact with their children, even if a parent behaves abusively towards their children, or towards other people. These societal ideas do not recognise the connection between an abuser and their role as a parent, and how a pattern of coercive control may impact children.\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">It can be difficult for survivors to challenge these ideas, both internally (to consider their own thoughts about these ideas) and externally (worrying about the judgements of other people, including professionals). Abusers often make threats to contact social services, or to declare that a survivor is an \u2018unfit mother\u2019 if she decides to end the relationship. Understandably, this can make a survivor very nervous about losing her children.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">A survivor may also want to protect or stay in contact with an abuser\u2019s children. She may worry about what the end of the relationship will mean for these children.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Survivors may also be concerned about the impacts on their children of changes which happen as a result of leaving the relationship. For example, less contact with important people in their lives, and moving area, house, and schools.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><em>\u201cYou get all these messages in the media about kids needing to parents, and I was worried that I just wouldn&#8217;t cope on my own, or that the children would hate me for leaving.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote><p align=\"right\"><strong>Survivor<\/strong><\/p><blockquote><p><em>\u201cI think she realised that I&#8217;d had enough and was going to walk away from the relationship. She told me that if I ever did, she&#8217;d contact social services with a whole list of my faults, and I&#8217;d never see the kids again. I couldn&#8217;t take that risk.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote><p align=\"right\"><strong>Survivor<\/strong><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">If a survivor feels that she is doing a good job of being a mum, it may make it easier for her to feel that she could parent her children on her own \u2013 this may overcome one barrier to leaving\/ending a relationship.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">If someone is worried about parenting children on their own, there are things you can do to help. Possibly the most important, is to support them as they parent their children, by helping build their confidence. If you see them using\u202f<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/learning.nspcc.org.uk\/research-resources\/leaflets\/positive-parenting\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">good parenting skills<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\">, (for example, being kind, consistent and respectful, setting good boundaries, and staying calm) encourage them by giving them positive feedback.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">No parent gets everything right, but unless a child is at risk of harm, try not to criticise, compare, judge, or take over. Instead, be kind \u2013 share your own parenting challenges or difficulties with the survivor and gently discuss how each of you could do things differently. You could also share\u202f<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nspcc.org.uk\/keeping-children-safe\/support-for-parents\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u2018support for parents\u2019 resources<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202fwith her and perhaps go through them together.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Another thing that you can do, (without criticising, judging, or blaming) is to let the person know that you care about their children, and that you are worried that they might be affected by the situation. By gently expressing your concern, this may help you to talk together about the environment that children need to feel safe and to thrive.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">We know that children are survivors of domestic abuse in their own right, and the effects of changes which happen as a result of leaving are usually less (especially long term) than the effects of living in a home where the abuse continues. Most survivors under-estimate how much of the abuse their children have seen, heard, and experienced, and, for many women, the main reason for ending the relationship is to protect their children.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">It may be helpful to share resources for children if they need support:<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><ul><li data-leveltext=\"\uf0b7\" data-font=\"Symbol\" data-listid=\"51\" data-list-defn-props=\"{&quot;335552541&quot;:1,&quot;335559685&quot;:720,&quot;335559991&quot;:360,&quot;469769226&quot;:&quot;Symbol&quot;,&quot;469769242&quot;:[8226],&quot;469777803&quot;:&quot;left&quot;,&quot;469777804&quot;:&quot;\uf0b7&quot;,&quot;469777815&quot;:&quot;hybridMultilevel&quot;}\" aria-setsize=\"-1\" data-aria-posinset=\"1\" data-aria-level=\"1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.childline.org.uk\/get-support\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">Childline<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\"> is available on 0800 1111, via email, or children can have a 1-2-1 chat with a counsellor online<\/span><\/li><li data-leveltext=\"\uf0b7\" data-font=\"Symbol\" data-listid=\"51\" data-list-defn-props=\"{&quot;335552541&quot;:1,&quot;335559685&quot;:720,&quot;335559991&quot;:360,&quot;469769226&quot;:&quot;Symbol&quot;,&quot;469769242&quot;:[8226],&quot;469777803&quot;:&quot;left&quot;,&quot;469777804&quot;:&quot;\uf0b7&quot;,&quot;469777815&quot;:&quot;hybridMultilevel&quot;}\" aria-setsize=\"-1\" data-aria-posinset=\"1\" data-aria-level=\"1\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">A safe adult can use the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/womens-aid-directory\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">Women\u2019s Aid directory<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\"> to explore which services are available locally for children and young people.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li data-leveltext=\"\uf0b7\" data-font=\"Symbol\" data-listid=\"51\" data-list-defn-props=\"{&quot;335552541&quot;:1,&quot;335559685&quot;:720,&quot;335559991&quot;:360,&quot;469769226&quot;:&quot;Symbol&quot;,&quot;469769242&quot;:[8226],&quot;469777803&quot;:&quot;left&quot;,&quot;469777804&quot;:&quot;\uf0b7&quot;,&quot;469777815&quot;:&quot;hybridMultilevel&quot;}\" aria-setsize=\"-1\" data-aria-posinset=\"1\" data-aria-level=\"1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youngminds.org.uk\/young-person\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">YoungMinds<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\"> have lots of advice to help children and young people understand more about what they\u2019re feeling and find support with their mental health.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1104\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"4\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1104\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Love<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1104\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"4\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1104\"><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Love is sometimes the hardest reason for people outside of the relationship to understand \u2013 many people struggle with the idea that it is possible to love someone who is behaving abusively. But survivors tell us that the love they felt for the abusive person does not just disappear because of the abuse.\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Abusers often use these feelings to manipulate a survivor\u2019s behaviour. Saying things like, \u2018<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">If you loved me, you\u2019d do what I ask<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u2018, \u2018<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">You wouldn\u2019t do that if you cared about me<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u2018. But they also use these feelings to try to prevent a survivor from leaving.\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><em>\u201cI still completely loved him, and I hate the idea of leaving him alone and miserable in our flat. I wanted to wear my rings, even after I left, but I didn&#8217;t feel that other people would understand that I wasn&#8217;t ready to let go just yet.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote><p align=\"right\"><strong>Survivor<\/strong><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">From speaking with survivors, we know that they often feel conflicted feelings about the love and care they feel for an abuser, and that it is important that these feelings are not judged, dismissed, or ignored by other people.\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">By <a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/how-can-i-offer-support\/#whatcanIdo\">gently asking\u202fopen questions<\/a>\u202fabout how the person feels towards the abuser, in a supportive way, you will give the survivor an opportunity to think about what their feelings are.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1105\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"5\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1105\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Stigma and shame <\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1105\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"5\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1105\"><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed that they have experienced domestic abuse. In spite of the changes in societal views about domestic abuse over the years, there is still a great deal of shame and stigma which remain.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Shame and stigma are also a key part of \u201chonour\u201d-based abuse, where there can be significant consequences if a family believes someone to be bringing dishonour or shame. Survivors may be shamed to maintain control and prevent them speaking out. You can learn more about \u201chonour\u201d-based abuse and how to support someone on <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/karmanirvana.org.uk\/get-help\/someone-else\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">Karma Nirvana\u2019s website<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\">. You can call their <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/karmanirvana.org.uk\/get-help\/helpline\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">helpline<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\"> for emotional support and expert guidance to help you understand if someone you know may be experiencing this.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">By ending a relationship which is abusive, a survivor may feel that their experiences of abuse will be highlighted to other people. For example, that they may have to explain to others why the relationship has ended or explain why they have made particular decisions and choices.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">A survivor may also be concerned that people\u2019s opinions of them will change, and that they will be treated differently, if people know what has happened. There can be additional stigma and barriers for survivors who work in the domestic abuse sector or in a role that supports survivors e.g. GP, social care, police. There can be barriers where they may not be able to reach out to some services because of professional links.\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><em>\u201cI couldn&#8217;t believe it had happened to me. I was worried that my colleagues would see me differently if they knew, and they would undermine everything I&#8217;d worked so hard for.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote><p align=\"right\"><strong>Survivor<\/strong><\/p><blockquote><p><em>\u201cMy parents have been together over 50 years and have strong views about marriage. I couldn&#8217;t bear the idea that they would think I hadn&#8217;t tried hard enough or had failed to stick with it.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote><p align=\"right\"><strong>Survivor<\/strong><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">One of the ways you can help someone who is feeling embarrassment, shame, or stigma about their experiences of domestic abuse, is to reduce the silence. Feelings of shame often remain, or grow, if we do not let ourselves talk about difficult experiences. This does not mean that you need to talk directly about the person\u2019s<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202fown<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202fexperiences, especially if they are not keen to do this. But, by talking about domestic abuse more generally, you can help to bring it out into the open. You might chose to share some information that you have recently learnt\u202f<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/about-domestic-abuse\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">about domestic abuse<\/span><\/a><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Or you could use a recent news story, or a soap opera\/TV storyline, to start a conversation. By talking about domestic abuse, without necessarily talking about the person\u2019s own experiences, you can give lots of\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-told-me-whats-happening\/#responding\">helpful responses and messages<\/a>.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1106\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"6\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1106\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Practical reasons<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1106\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"6\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1106\"><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Some women experiencing domestic abuse have very little access to the resources (money, accommodation, transport etc.) and support that they need to leave a relationship. For some people, it can be a choice between remaining in the relationship, going into a refuge, or making themselves homeless.\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">If a survivor is isolated from the people who care about her, she may feel that she has nowhere to go, no way of getting away, no access to money, and no idea where to go for support (including support from professionals).\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">There are lots of ways that you can <a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-told-me-whats-happening\/#doing\">offer\u202fpractical support<\/a>, but survivors often do not know that people are willing to help in this way, or they feel embarrassed about asking for practical help.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Letting the person know that you can help practically, either now, or in the future, can reassure them. You do not have to talk about the abuse itself to let the person know the practical things that you are willing and able to help with.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">For example:<\/span><\/p><ul><li><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">You know that if you ever need a bit of time to yourself, you can come and stay with me, don\u2019t you?<\/span><\/i><\/li><li><i style=\"font-weight: inherit;\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">I\u2019d always be willing to have the kids for a few hours if you need to go to any appointments, or sort anything out<\/span><\/i><\/li><li><i style=\"font-weight: inherit;\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">If you ever want to get some advice\/open a bank account\/find out what your rights are, I\u2019d be more than happy to come with you, if that would be helpful<\/span><\/i><\/li><\/ul><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">By offering practical help, even if the time is not right at the moment for the survivor to end the relationship, she will know that support is there.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-69c6792 elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"69c6792\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-8786fd2 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"8786fd2\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><span data-contrast=\"none\">It is important to recognise that the\u202f<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">timing<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202ffor leaving a relationship can be really important, especially because the\u202fdanger\u202fmay increase at the point of leaving. Even if a survivor wants to end the relationship, or has been thinking about leaving for a while, she may not feel ready for this to happen. Helping someone to think about the barriers to ending their relationship, can help them to find solutions, and find a way forward.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Sometimes there is a\u202ftrigger point\u202fin a relationship, when the survivor decides to take immediate action. At this point, it can be really helpful if\u202f<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">you<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202fhave thought in advance about <a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-decided-to-leave\/\">how you can\u202foffer support as they leave\/end the relationship<\/a>.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Whichever way a survivor chooses to leave, or to end the relationship, your patience and on-going support for her are really important. Please do not under-estimate how difficult it can be to support a survivor long-term, and to cope with seeing and\u202fhearing about the abuse over time. As you offer support, do also think about the\u202fimpacts on yourself, and make sure that you\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/looking-after-yourself\/\">look after yourself<\/a>.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-46d4765 e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"46d4765\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-70a3f67 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"70a3f67\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-c4c22f7 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"c4c22f7\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-78a9459 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"78a9459\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/how-can-i-offer-support\/\">&lt; Back<\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-55b7b1d e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"55b7b1d\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-9c08a36 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"9c08a36\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p align=\"right\"><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-decided-to-leave\/\">Next &gt;<\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>They&#8217;ve decided to stay, how can I help? On this page: Reasons why people stay &amp; ways to help We know that one of the most difficult things to understand, and to cope with, is a survivor deciding to stay in the relationship. Or, if they leave\/end the relationship, and then return to it. Many [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":859,"featured_media":47730,"parent":47448,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"pmpro_default_level":"","inline_featured_image":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"no-sidebar","site-content-layout":"page-builder","ast-site-content-layout":"full-width-container","site-content-style":"unboxed","site-sidebar-style":"unboxed","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"disabled","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"disabled","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"set","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2081],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-47532","page","type-page","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-friends-and-family","pmpro-has-access"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>They&#039;ve decided to stay, how can I help? - Women\u2019s Aid<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-decided-to-stay\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"They&#039;ve decided to stay, how can I help? - Women\u2019s Aid\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"They&#8217;ve decided to stay, how can I help? 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