{"id":47457,"date":"2025-04-04T13:40:41","date_gmt":"2025-04-04T12:40:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/?page_id=47457"},"modified":"2025-11-11T09:20:07","modified_gmt":"2025-11-11T09:20:07","slug":"should-i-be-worried","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/should-i-be-worried\/","title":{"rendered":"Should I be worried?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-page\" data-elementor-id=\"47457\" class=\"elementor elementor-47457\" data-elementor-post-type=\"page\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-43f61272 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"43f61272\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-5e5c19ee\" data-id=\"5e5c19ee\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-1e87f209 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"1e87f209\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h1>Should I be <strong>worried?<\/strong><\/h1>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-695a5fbc elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"695a5fbc\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-d0d71bd elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"d0d71bd\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h2>On this page:<\/h2><ul><li><a href=\"#notice\">Notice what is happening<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#signs\">Signs you might notice<\/a><\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-28c588ad elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"28c588ad\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-6ff40c4f elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"6ff40c4f\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>We all lead busy lives, and sometimes we do not notice all that is happening in the life of someone who is close to us. It may be something specific that you notice, or it may be a more general feeling that things are not OK. Sometimes, we think or feel that something is wrong, but then we start to doubt ourselves, and ignore our thoughts and feelings.<\/p><p><strong>Trust your gut if something feels wrong.<\/strong><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2331a2bf elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"2331a2bf\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2d10c888 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"2d10c888\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h2 id=\"notice\">Notice what is happening<\/h2>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-969c88a e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"969c88a\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7bcdef7 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"7bcdef7\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Noticing what is happening is an important first step in supporting someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. You may see or hear different\u202ftypes of domestic abuse, and any resulting\u202fphysical injuries. But, it is more likely that you will notice\u202fhow the two people interact,\u202fthe behaviour\u202fof your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, or\u202fthe abuser\u2019s behaviour.<\/p><p>Finding out more\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/about-domestic-abuse\/\">about domestic abuse<\/a>, and about the\u202fsigns you may notice, will mean that you can help better.<\/p><p>Every relationship is different, including relationships where someone is abusive. Sometimes, from the outside, it can be hard to tell the difference between a relationship that is difficult, unhealthy, or just different, and a relationship where someone is being hurt or abused.<\/p><p>Some of the people we speak to, tell us that they had a strong \u2018gut reaction\u2018 or \u2018nagging feeling\u2018 that something was wrong in the relationship. Even before they knew about the abuse, some people felt that the abuser was not kind, honest, genuine, or trustworthy.<\/p><p>We also often get asked where the line is between a relationship which is unhealthy, and a relationship which is abusive. This is a really good question, and not a simple one to answer. Our best answer is that \u2018fear\u2019 is the main difference \u2013 if a relationship is unhealthy, one or both people may not behave well, but the people are not scared or fearful of each other. If someone is adjusting their own actions to try to manage the behaviour of their partner and reduce the risk of aggression, this is a sign of abuse.<\/p><p>When experiencing abuse, survivors are often scared. They are scared about the things the abuser will say, do, or threaten. And they are scared that anything\u202fthey\u202fsay or do will\u202fcause\u202fthe abuser to attack, assault, abuse, punish, threaten, or humiliate them. Those experiencing domestic abuse are also often\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/theyve-decided-to-stay\/#reasons\">scared to end the relationship<\/a>\u202f\u2013 leaving or ending a relationship is difficult and can increase <a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/how-dangerous-is-domestic-abuse\/\">the\u202fdanger<\/a>.<\/p><p><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/about-domestic-abuse\/\">Domestic abuse<\/a>\u202fis not always easy to notice, even if you know the people well. Also, a survivor may\u202fnot recognise\u202fthe behaviours from their partner or family member as harmful or abusive. Abuse that does not leave physical marks or injuries can be particularly difficult to notice.<\/p><p>It is also important to understand that abusers often behave differently with everyone else, so that they appear charming. They may also behave well towards the survivor when other people are around. This can make the abuse harder to notice and can be very confusing for people outside of the relationship, and for the survivor.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-d2d8a33 e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"d2d8a33\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-c158bd8 elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"c158bd8\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-6fa3aeef elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"6fa3aeef\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-56eaef1\" data-id=\"56eaef1\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-674911cd elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"674911cd\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h2 id=\"signs\">Signs you might notice<\/h2><p>People outside of the relationship notice different things, and this can depend on the type of relationship they have with the survivor. Survivors most often talk about their relationship, about the abuser\u2019s behaviour, and about how they are feeling, to their friends and family members.<\/p><p>Neighbours and colleagues sometimes notice that things are not OK when the\u202fdomestic abuse, or its\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/what-is-domestic-abuse\/the-impact-of-domestic-abuse\/\">impacts<\/a>, start to spill over. For example, neighbours sometimes hear arguments, shouting, banging, or screaming, or see\u202fabusive behaviours. Colleagues sometimes notice the\u202fimpacts of the domestic abuse, particularly when the abuse affects the survivor\u2019s ability to do her job, when she arrives at work with injuries, or if the abuser\u202fstalks or harasses\u202fher at work.<\/p><p>You are more likely to notice signs of domestic abuse if you have experienced abuse yourself, if you know other people who have experienced abuse, or if your job involves working with survivors. But there are also lots of signs that everyone can notice, even in the first situation of domestic abuse they are aware of. Some of the impacts, interactions, and behaviours are easy to notice, others are more difficult. Every situation is different, but some of the common things that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us they notice, include the following:<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-9687cca elementor-widget elementor-widget-accordion\" data-id=\"9687cca\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"accordion.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1571\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"1\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1571\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Physical injuries <\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1571\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"1\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1571\"><p>You may see or hear a survivor experiencing physical violence and abuse, but it is more likely that you will see the resulting injuries.<\/p><p>You may notice that the survivor has bruises, cuts, burns, bite marks, or other injuries. These injuries happen more often than you would expect (for example, they may have bruises all the time) and may take a long time to completely heal. Sometimes an abuser will hurt someone in the same way, or in the same place on their body, again and again, to stop an injury from healing, or will prevent them from getting medication or treatment for an injury.<\/p><p>If someone is wearing clothes to hide any injury marks, you may notice that their clothes are not right for the occasion or temperature \u2013 for example, they may wear long sleeves on a very hot day.<\/p><p>Sometimes when a survivor explains how they have hurt themselves, their description does not match the injury marks that they have, and they may not want to seek help from medical professionals.<\/p><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1572\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"2\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1572\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Interactions between the abuser and the survivor <\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1572\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"2\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1572\"><p>If you see the abuser and the survivor together, you may notice their interactions. In this situation, the type of abuse you are most likely to see and hear is verbal abuse, which is a type of\u202fpsychological and emotional abuse. You may notice, for example, that the abuser says things which are mean, cruel or hurtful, to belittle the survivor. Abusers often criticise survivors, make fun of their opinions, beliefs, or appearance, say disrespectful things about them, or call them nasty names.<\/p>\n<p>This is very different from \u2018banter\u2019, which is usually friendly and playful. The purpose of verbal abuse is to control the survivor, and to make them look and feel small, often in front of other people. You may notice that the conversation is one-sided, instead of both people talking, or that the person who is being abusive says more and more unkind things \u2013 becoming louder, nastier, and more aggressive. You may also notice that the survivor looks more and more uncomfortable, embarrassed, upset, or anxious.<\/p><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1573\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"3\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1573\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Survivors\u2019 behaviour <\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1573\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"3\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1573\"><p>There are many things that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues notice about the impacts of abuse on a survivor, and how her usual behaviour changes. Some of the common things that people tell us they notice, include the following:<\/p><ul><li>An abuser may try to stop the survivor spending time with other people, including\u202fyou. Abusers often try to sabotage survivors\u2019 relationships, and they use lots of different ways to do this, including directly targeting friends, family members (including children), neighbours, and colleagues. An abuser targets a survivor\u2019s relationships to try to isolate them and to make them more reliant on the abuser. They may falsely accuse you (directly, or by persuading the survivor) of being a nasty person, of not supporting the survivor or their relationship with the abuser or accuse you of \u2018causing trouble\u2018. This behaviour is designed to cause tension between you and the survivor.<\/li><li>The survivor being quieter than usual. If the abuser is with her, the survivor may seem nervous, anxious, or scared, and may struggle to make eye contact.\u00a0<\/li><li><span style=\"font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; background-color: var(--ast-global-color-5);\" data-contrast=\"none\">If you see the survivor without the abuser, she may receive lots of messages from the abuser. These messages will ask her where she is, what she is doing, who she is with, and when she will be finished. They may seem embarrassed or irritated by these messages, but may continue to answer the calls or texts, and may leave earlier than planned. Sometimes, because of the abuser\u2019s behaviour, a survivor may decide it is easier and safer to stop seeing other people.<\/span><\/li><li><span style=\"font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; background-color: var(--ast-global-color-5);\" data-contrast=\"none\">Experiencing domestic abuse can negatively impact people\u2019s\u202fphysical health, and their\u202femotional and mental health. You may notice that a survivor starts to show signs of poor health or emotional distress. For example, she may feel tired, gain or lose weight, struggle with sleep, or visit the doctor more often. Or, you may notice that she feels depressed, anxious, or scared.<\/span><span style=\"font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; background-color: var(--ast-global-color-5);\" data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span data-contrast=\"none\">The survivor may start to behave differently than usual. For example, wearing different clothes, or different amounts of make-up, parenting their children in a different way, or having different standards for cleanliness and household chores. You may also notice changes in the way that a survivor is able to use or access money (including different\u202f<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/survivingeconomicabuse.org\/i-need-help\/understanding-economic-abuse\/spotting-the-signs\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">forms of economic abuse<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\">). These changes may be signs that an abuser is making lots of rules for the survivor to follow, particularly if the changes in behaviour are quite big.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li>The survivor\u2019s ability to do their job, or to study, may be affected. A survivor may seem distracted, not concentrate as well, miss deadlines, or make more mistakes than usual. They may arrive late to work, have to leave very punctually at the end of the day, or take more time off than usual. For some survivors, work or study can be an \u2018escape\u2018 or a \u2018safe space\u2018, and they may find reasons to stay at work, school, college, or university as late as possible.<\/li><li>A survivor may ask you to keep things secret from the abuser, for example who they see, the plans they make, or things they buy. They may seem scared or anxious about what would happen if the abuser found out about these things. A survivor may not want to tell you the reason for keeping things secret, and may use another reason, for example, \u2018I have bought it for them, and\u202fI want it to be a surprise\u2018.\u00a0<\/li><\/ul><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1574\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"4\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1574\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Abusers\u2019 behaviour <\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1574\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"4\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1574\"><p>Every abuser uses different behaviours, but there are some which are more common. Some of the behaviours you notice will be towards the survivor and her children. Other behaviours may be directed\u202ftowards\u202f<i>you<\/i>.<\/p><p>The abuser may try to explain, excuse, or defend their behaviour, usually by blaming other people or circumstances, or by saying that their behaviour is because of their love and concern for the survivor. Every situation is different, but some of the common behaviours that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us they notice, include the following:<\/p><ul><li>Seeing or hearing someone using\u202fabusive behaviours. For example, you may see an abuser slap or hit a survivor, you may receive an email which humiliates the survivor, or you may see lots of messages to harass them. The survivor may tell you about the abusive behaviours. You may also hear the abuser brag about their behaviour, or someone else may tell you what they have seen and heard.<\/li><li>Abusers will often try to shift blame for their abuse, but also for anything bad or negative that happens. They refuse to take any responsibility. For example, if they lose their job, they blame their boss; if they fall out with their family, they blame their parents; if they find it difficult to get accommodation, they blame the government. And, of course, they blame the survivor herself (and sometimes other people) for their own abusive behaviour.<\/li><li>Abusers will often shift the blame for their abuse. It shifts the responsibility for harmful acts from the perpetrator to the survivor. It holds the survivor entirely or partially responsible for the harm they have experienced.<br \/>&#8211; &#8216;You shouldn&#8217;t have been drinking&#8217;<br \/>&#8211; &#8216;Look at what you&#8217;re wearing&#8217;<br \/>&#8211; &#8216;You provoked me&#8217;<br \/>&#8211; &#8216;I\u2019ve had a stressful day at work&#8217;<\/li><li><span data-contrast=\"none\">Abusers sometimes have very high expectations or standards for survivors, which they themselves do not meet. They may expect a survivor to behave a particular way, to dress or look a particular way, to earn a particular amount of money, to parent any children a particular way, and to do housework a particular way. For example, an abuser may expect a survivor to look tidy, smart, or sexy, but the abuser wears anything they want.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><b><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202f<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"none\">An abuser may force or coerce a survivor to submit to them in lots of ways. For example, a survivor may have to ask permission to leave the room or the house, to use the car, or to have access to money.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202f<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/children-and-young-people\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">Children<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"none\"> can also experience abusive behaviour and are survivors in their own right. You may notice that an abuser expects a child to be much more mature, responsible, or able than their age, ability, or intelligence allows. For example, they may get angry with a young child for wetting the bed or not being able to tie their shoelaces. Or they may get angry with an older child for not doing well at school, or at sport.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202fAn abuser may tease or shout at a child until they are very upset or crying, and may \u2018<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">punish<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u2018 children for accidents, mistakes, or \u2018<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">naughty<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u2018 behaviour that a child does not know is wrong. Some \u2018<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">punishments<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u2018 will be harsh, unusual, cruel, or last for a long time<\/span><\/li><li><span data-contrast=\"none\">An abuser may use children as pawns against their mother, for example, questioning the child for information to be used against her (e.g. who she\u2019s seen, where she\u2019s been), using their tablets or other devices to check locations, encouraging them to hide the abuse or lie about it, or directly involving the child in the abuse. <\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span data-contrast=\"none\">You may notice that an abuser is unkind towards pets, including: harsh punishments, no medication or treatment for illness, physical symptoms, or pain, and neglect (for example, not providing enough food, water, shelter, exercise, or comfort). It is common for abusers to withhold the pet from a survivor or threaten to harm the pet or give it away as a tool of control.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span data-contrast=\"none\">An abuser may be very jealous \u2013 not just jealous of the people that the survivor sees, speaks to, or works with, but also any activities or hobbies that she spends time on. An abuser may accuse a partner of (imagined) affairs, and this can be an\u202f<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/how-dangerous-is-domestic-abuse\/\">indicator of risk<\/a>\u202f(a sign that the domestic abuse is getting worse, and becoming more dangerous). This can also occur during pregnancy or after childbirth, as some abusers may become jealous of the child and the attention they are receiving. Often people who are behaving with a lot of jealousy say that their behaviour is a sign of love \u2013\u202f<\/span><span data-contrast=\"none\">it is not<\/span><span data-contrast=\"none\">.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><\/ul><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-accordion-item\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-title-1575\" class=\"elementor-tab-title\" data-tab=\"5\" role=\"button\" aria-controls=\"elementor-tab-content-1575\" aria-expanded=\"false\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon elementor-accordion-icon-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-closed\"><i class=\"fas fa-plus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-accordion-icon-opened\"><i class=\"fas fa-minus\"><\/i><\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a class=\"elementor-accordion-title\" tabindex=\"0\">Abusers\u2019 behaviour towards you <\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"elementor-tab-content-1575\" class=\"elementor-tab-content elementor-clearfix\" data-tab=\"5\" role=\"region\" aria-labelledby=\"elementor-tab-title-1575\"><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">As well as noticing how an abuser behaves towards a survivor, and towards other people, you may also notice how they behave towards <\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">you<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">. Sometimes, this can be obvious, but it can also be quite subtle. Often, the thing that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues notice most is how they<\/span><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u202ffeel\u202f<\/span><\/i><span data-contrast=\"none\">when they spend time with an abuser. <a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/looking-after-yourself\/#impacts\">Feeling\u202funcomfortable with an abuser<\/a>\u202fmakes it hard to know how to act around them.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Abusers can be aggressive and abusive towards people other than the survivor as well. But many abusers are not like this, and some abusers can seem pleasant, reasonable, kind, honest, genuine, or trustworthy to other people.\u00a0<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span data-contrast=\"none\">Sometimes, an abuser becomes nasty towards other people when they have had a drink, when someone challenges or disagrees with them, or when someone does something that they do not like. Every situation is different, but some of the common behaviours that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us they notice, include the following:<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><ul><li><span data-contrast=\"none\"><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/looking-after-yourself\/#impacts\">Direct abuse\u202ffrom the abuser<\/a>. This can include any of the\u202ftypes of abuse\u202fthat the abuser uses against the survivor \u2013 psychological and emotional abuse, physical abuse, and harassment are most common. An abuser may threaten to harm you, your property, your pets, or the people you care about, or they may be physically violent towards you. They may also try to intimidate, belittle, criticise, harass, or manipulate you.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">An abuser may behave differently towards you, depending on <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">gender dynamics<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">. <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">T<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">hey may switch between trying to \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">win your <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">respect<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">\u2018<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">, trying to \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">compete<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">\u2018 with<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\"> you, and being aggressive or abusive towards you.<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\"> Alternatively, t<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">hey may be \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">flirty<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">\u2018<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">, \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">creepy<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">\u2018<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">, \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">smarmy<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">\u2018<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\">, or \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">inappropriate<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW167664680 BCX8\">\u2018 towards<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW167664680 BCX8\"> you. The abuser may make you feel uncomfortable by talking or acting in a very sexualised way.<\/span><\/span><span class=\"EOP SCXW167664680 BCX8\" data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span class=\"TextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\">Abusers<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\"> can be hypersensitive (easy to offend or \u2018<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW246806888 BCX8\">prickly<\/span><\/span><span class=\"TextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2Themed SCXW246806888 BCX8\">\u2018<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\">), taking everyday <\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\">setbacks as<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW246806888 BCX8\"> personal insults. Abusers may react to any comments, and feedback from you as a personal attack, and if you express views and opinions which are different from theirs, they may take this as direct criticism.<\/span><\/span><span class=\"EOP SCXW246806888 BCX8\" data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><li><span class=\"TextRun SCXW40670524 BCX8\" lang=\"EN-GB\" xml:lang=\"EN-GB\" data-contrast=\"none\"><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW40670524 BCX8\">Another behaviour you may notice is an abuser trying to get you to collude or support<\/span> <span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW40670524 BCX8\">their abusive behaviours. This can be subtle, and sometimes people do not realise until later that this is what has happened. A common example is when an abuser asks friends, family members, neighbours, or colleagues to persuade the survivor to do something which the abuser wants her to. The abuser frames it as for the survivor\u2019s benefit or wellbeing, so that people think they are helping<\/span><span class=\"NormalTextRun SCXW40670524 BCX8\">.<\/span><\/span><span class=\"EOP SCXW40670524 BCX8\" data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;335559739&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li><\/ul><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-8dad496 e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"8dad496\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-ffcef86 elementor-blockquote--skin-border elementor-blockquote--button-color-official elementor-widget elementor-widget-blockquote\" data-id=\"ffcef86\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"blockquote.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<blockquote class=\"elementor-blockquote\">\n\t\t\t<p class=\"elementor-blockquote__content\">\n\t\t\t\t\u201cShe'd get calls everyday at work, and even though I could only hear her side of the conversation, I knew that her partner was being awful to her. She'd end up crying at least once a day...\u201d <p style=\"font-size: 18px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 300; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); \t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-q-footer\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<cite class=\"elementor-blockquote__author\"><br>Colleague of survivor<\/cite>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/blockquote>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-2bccc3b e-flex e-con-boxed e-con e-parent\" data-id=\"2bccc3b\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-c13a6fb e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"c13a6fb\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-56a4914 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"56a4914\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-c83948b e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"c83948b\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-242ca77 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"242ca77\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/\">&lt; Back<\/a>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-760f333 e-con-full e-flex e-con e-child\" data-id=\"760f333\" data-element_type=\"container\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-e304d36 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"e304d36\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p align=\"right\"><a href=\"https:\/\/womensaid.org.uk\/information-support\/friends-and-family\/how-can-i-offer-support\/\">Next &gt;<\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Should I be worried? On this page: Notice what is happening Signs you might notice We all lead busy lives, and sometimes we do not notice all that is happening in the life of someone who is close to us. It may be something specific that you notice, or it may be a more general [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":881,"featured_media":13665,"parent":47448,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"pmpro_default_level":"","inline_featured_image":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"no-sidebar","site-content-layout":"page-builder","ast-site-content-layout":"full-width-container","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"disabled","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"disabled","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"set","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2081],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-47457","page","type-page","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-friends-and-family","pmpro-has-access"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Should I be worried? - Women\u2019s Aid<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Should I be worried? 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