A Friend's House Blog

Tag: truth

Big Adjustment

by Pam on Jul.18, 2011, under Uncategorized

I came to A Friend’s House (AFH) a little over two months ago to help me sort through my past pain, current pain, and my long history of chronic depression. My first day at AFH was long and honestly not fun at all.  After I unpacked and went throughout the day it was going “ok” but after chores I thought to myself “and this is what you’re getting yourself into?,” in not the most positive way.  But as you can tell from the two journal entries below things have started to change from the bad to the good.
Day 2:
- Numb
- Holding back the tears
- Trapped and out of place
- Alone and nobody around me understands
- No purpose in life and nothing ahead in the future
- I’m 27 with no job or career that I’m passionate about, a useless degree, not financially stable at all, still depending on my parents as if I were a child, no significant other or no where near even starting my own family…
- It just seems like the odds are against me and maybe I’m fighting a battle that wasn’t meant be to fought
Day 30:
I feel angry at myself for admitting that I do have some hope and am not completely hopeless, while for so long I have been trying to convince myself that there is none, that I’m just a lost cause with no hope.  But today for this first time I challenged this inner belief by responding and confronting this inner dialogue with “no, there is some hope that the way you feel now doesn’t need to be how you feel in the future”. That was scary because like my advocate said it was as though I was letting down a wall that for so long I thought was keeping me strong and safe, and was protecting the hurt and innocent little girl in the corner from further pain and suffering.  I remembered that last week I explained this wall to Sue (our licensed therapist) she stated that I may be providing that protection. But I’m also robbing that scared little girl of the opposite emotions of laugher and joy, and — most importantly of all — the chance to create memories of those little moments that come out of the blue that make you unconsciously laugh on the inside and quietly smile on the outside.
As I mentioned earlier these two journal entries are very different.  The first is filled with darkness and the image of a deep hole with no rope, and the last is filled with images of sparks of hope, even if they might only last a minute then quickly fade away until they reappear. I initially walked through the doors at AFH numb and leery, but within this last month and a half the numbness has turned into a mix of emotions constantly swirling around in my head. Instead of only anger, grievance and loss, I’ve experienced contentedness and, believe it or not, even joy.
I also came with the mind set that nobody was going to persuade me to change my beliefs about myself because when it came down to it, my beliefs were the truth and their beliefs were just lies. The first couple weeks when my advocate would challenge me with these “lies” I automatically dismissed them. I listened, but didn’t hear. Although I still don’t believe these “lies”, I no longer automatically dismiss them. Instead I hear them and consider that maybe they have just a little truth behind them after all. Hopefully within the next year I will be able to embrace them as the whole truth. Welcome to my journey at AFH.
-Kelly
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True Transformation

by Pam on Jul.30, 2010, under A Friend's House, Residents

Dear Friends,

On Wednesday night, one of my very good friends here will graduate and move back to her home state. I will definitely miss her presence in the house, but I am very excited for her and I can’t wait to hear how she is doing out in the “real world.” She has grown so much just in the time that I have been here, and though she is technically my junior, I look up to her in many ways, and she exudes wisdom far beyond her years.

I recently realized another benefit of the length of the program here. In other facilities that might last 30-60 days, it is much harder to see a great deal of growth in people. Although these shorter programs can be beneficial, people just kind of come in and out. As a newer resident, I didn’t really notice much difference between me and the people who completed the program. I think the opportunity new residents have here to witness people graduating is incredibly inspiring. It speaks volumes about the possibility for true change, if we are only willing to put forth the effort and be receptive to the help we are offered. (continue reading…)

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Freedom or Bondage?

by Pam on Jul.20, 2010, under Uncategorized

Dear Friends,

I want to reference last week’s blog and draw a parallel to Christianity. I think it is fair to say that Christians and would-be Christians alike often struggle with giving their entire life over to God. In the book Spiritual Freedom, Fr. Dave Pivonka reflects on one aspect of this when he mentions how we sometimes struggle with completely letting go of certain sins. Perhaps, he suggests, we cling to our sin because it is the only thing we possess that is truly ours—the only thing we have that God has not given us.

I know that there have been times in my life when I was pretty sure the Lord was nudging me to either stop doing something detrimental or to start doing something He wanted me to do. Sometimes, I resisted because I didn’t think I was equipped. Other times, I resisted because I didn’t want to sacrifice—whether it was a vice I was particularly attached to or simply time and energy I would have to dedicate to doing His will instead of my own.  Though I am a firm believer that His plan for my life will bring me more joy than my own plan ever could, I still frequently struggle with actually applying that belief. (continue reading…)

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