Last week something happened that I never thought would happen, nor ever thought I would wish to happen. I was engaging in my most comfortable “coping mechanism” because it quickly numbs the tears and softens the blows that sting to my core. But last week a strange thing happened: the tears became more intense and the blows hurt even deeper.

I instantly became angry and started yelling at my body, “You worked all the other past times, why can’t you work this time?” and “Come on now, just feel numb already, what you are waiting for?”  At that moment my safety blanket instantly slipped out from under me, and I felt the self-hate running rapidly through my veins. I quickly became very guarded against AFH staff and the other residents in the house whenever they were anywhere near me.  But to the staff this loss of my safety blanket meant something much different.  It meant me seeing that I could no longer continue to “fix” myself with this bandaid. I need to “fix” myself by taking off the bandaids and treating what’s underneath. At that moment my hope that “it” would go away with adding just one more bandaid became shattered; a hope that never really existed in the first place.

Once I was able to see what the staff saw I was both sad and happy.  Sad because I realized I could no longer continue to deny hurt, a part of life that is going to be there whether you fight against it or with it. And since my “coping mechanism” no longer works, there is no use in continuing to use it when the it only adds to the hurt. But ironically I am happy for the same reason.

I am tired of trying to appear okay, and I don’t have the excuse of “just one more time” because now I know that next time no longer exists.  I want to live, not just exist in an empty shell, by experiencing and embracing, not fighting, the emotions that come with the good times and the rough times. Yet I am terrified of leaving behind the known, and jumping into the unknown. In reality every time I used my “coping mechanism” just one more time I was deepening that fear and sabotaging myself and my family by emotionally cutting them out of my life.  Yes there are still days, honestly most days, that I’m terrified of accepting the fact that hurt and joy are a part of life that I’m built to feel. I continue to fight this fact because I’m terrified of exposing the “real Kelly” even to myself.

By now you might be wondering why I used quotation marks around the words coping mechanism.  The answer is simple, my coping mechanism of self-injury, cutting, isn’t a coping mechanism that’s needed anymore to survive the past, present and future tears and blows. A Friend’s House has given me the gifts of time and unconditional love to learn how to create a voice that’s expressed with dignity and firmly stood behind. Baby steps, baby steps.

-Kelly

This weekend we went to an Indiana State Park to relax and unwind from the week. We got out of the van and headed toward the tower. As I finished climbing the last set of stairs leading to the lookout at the top of the tower, I felt this calm breeze against my body and with little effort was able to take in a deep slow breath of “everything” and exhaled out a slow deep breath of “nothing.” I was relaxed.

About two minuets later though Michelle* asked Sarah*, other residents standing next to me, asked “Is that the Nazi sign?” Sarah responded, “It sure looks like it.”  Michelle then asked me “That’s the Nazi sign isn’t it?” My response was only an angry “Yes.”

Oddly enough all the grass beside the symbol was green and alive, yet the grass of the symbol was brown and dead, as if the person drew the sign onto the ground by using weed killer as their pencil.  Honestly, I was taken aback and speechless, a view that just a second ago spoke of calmness and tranquility had became a view that loudly spoke of discrimination and racism. Discrimination and racism that our society has tried so hard to deny as being part of the past and not the present, while examples like this strikingly show it’s still active and alive. But of all places why would someone willingly, and blatantly, choose to make this hateful statement at a state park? Where kids should be able to laugh about silly things, play on the playground, picnic with their families, kayak on the lake, play catch, throw a football and other activities remind adults of times when life was simpler?  Why take those opportunities away from children by invading their space with discrimination and racism, a social issue that already often surrounds them at school, home, or on the streets?  Isn’t it hard enough for students, and not just “those other students,” to have to put up with discrimination at school by both peers and even teachers?

Then some return home to an environment that’s emotionally or physically unsafe?

It seems with our materialistic and time-oriented society that kids are being forced to grow up while their bodies and minds are still actively forming and developing. I wonder what it will take for us, society, to realize that a 10 year old boy/girl is just that, a 10 year old boy/girl.

- Not a parent of their parents,

- not victims of racism and discrimination (in an ideal world),

- not having to work and worry about helping mom and dad pay the bills

- not having to have their identity from the streets,

- not having to fear where food is going to come from the next day…you get the idea.

After this brief discussion I was curious to research where the swastika originated from. It turns out the swastika is the oldest known symbol that has been used for over 3000 years, with artifacts, such as pottery and coins from the ancient Troy, showing that the Swastika was a commonly used symbol as far back as 1000 BCE. Here are a few excerpts that I found interesting.

Original meaning:

The word “swastika” comes from the Sanskrit svastika- “su” meaning “good,” “asti meaning “to be” and “ka” as gift.  Until the Nazis used this symbol, the swastika was used by many cultures to represent life, sun, power, strength, and good luck.

What does the Swastika mean now?

“There is a great debate as to what the swastika means now. For 3,000 years, the swastika meant life and good luck. But because of the Nazis, it has also taken on a meaning of death and hate.

These conflicting meanings are causing problems in today’s society. For Buddhists and Hindus, the swastika is a very religious symbol that is commonly used. Chirag Badlani shares a story about one time when he went to make some photocopies of some Hindu Gods for his temple. While standing in line to pay for the photocopies, some people behind him in line noticed that one of the pictures had a swastika. They called him a Nazi.

Unfortunately, the Nazis were so effective at their use of the swastika emblem, that many do not even know any other meaning for the swastika. Can there be two completely opposite meanings for one symbol?” (http://history1900s.about.com/cs/swastika/a/swastikahistory.htm)

As I read the article with the above excerpt I was shocked at how a symbol that was created over 3,000 years ago to represent light and peace has transformed into a symbol in today’s society that represents racism and death.  Aren’t there enough words in Webster’s Dictionary, and in our everyday language, that are degrading to others? Why do we need to add to these words instead of creating words that portray the original meaning of the Swastika?

-Kelly

*names were changed to protect their privacy

At the start of each year, many of us spend time creating resolutions. I found myself, once again, thinking about all the great things I could do or positive changes I could make in the coming year. At the top of my list is to exercise regularly.

I don’t enjoy exercising, but I know it’s important to integrate into my life. As I thought about how to make this change, I started to get discouraged. I don’t want to spend money to join a gym. I already feel like my evenings are full, so how can I add 30-60 minutes of exercise? And I really don’t like mornings, so the last thing I want to do is get up earlier to exercise. (continue reading…)

Dear Friends,

On Wednesday night, one of my very good friends here will graduate and move back to her home state. I will definitely miss her presence in the house, but I am very excited for her and I can’t wait to hear how she is doing out in the “real world.” She has grown so much just in the time that I have been here, and though she is technically my junior, I look up to her in many ways, and she exudes wisdom far beyond her years.

I recently realized another benefit of the length of the program here. In other facilities that might last 30-60 days, it is much harder to see a great deal of growth in people. Although these shorter programs can be beneficial, people just kind of come in and out. As a newer resident, I didn’t really notice much difference between me and the people who completed the program. I think the opportunity new residents have here to witness people graduating is incredibly inspiring. It speaks volumes about the possibility for true change, if we are only willing to put forth the effort and be receptive to the help we are offered. (continue reading…)