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Please listen to my hints, not my walls
by Pam on Aug.10, 2011, under Uncategorized
Last week we visited a home to have supper, play with goats and watch a movie. There were three goats, the baby goat, the mother goat, and the “other” goat. Two of the residents gravitated toward the baby goat, and just kind of ignored the “other” goat. The baby goat was very energetic and playful, while the “other” goat was very timid and guarded. I watched the “other” goat and noticed that it would walk as far to us as the chain would allow, but once anyone would start to reach their hand out to him, he would run in the opposite direction. After he continued this pattern of behavior several times, he gradually allowed me to feed him by slowly coming up to my hands and gently licking the dusty grains off my hands, as if a gentle breeze swept the grains away. After I earned a small piece of his trust while feeding him, he would no longer bolt the second he saw my empty hand inch his way, but instead would hesitantly come towards me and gently sniff my fingertips.Right before we went inside to watch the movie he laid down, letting his guard down, even if just for a brief minute. The whole time we were outside I felt deep empathy and compassion for this “other” goat. The actions behind his guarded mask hinted that he was aching for the attention and care the baby goat was receiving by coming towards me slowly and sniffing my fingertips. Yet his defensive outer wall was communicating the complete opposite, “Don’t you dare take one step towards me.”
Growing up, I always felt like that “other” goat. On the inside I desperately longed to receive compassion, unconditional love, and acceptance, but my walls portrayed the complete opposite. In fact, my parents called it being “cold-hearted.” I still often feel this way.
The whole time the only thought that kept replaying in my mind was wanting to rescue the “other” goat from that painful feeling of loss and abandonment that stings deep in the heart, much like I wanted someone in my past as a child, and even today, to do. I yearn for someone to rescue me, pick me up, and wrap their arms around me with warmth, reassurance, and a silent comfort as I lay my head on their shoulders.
The moment before we went inside to watch the movie and said goodbye to the three goats, every sight and sound around me, except the “other” goat became silent and still. Throughout the whole visit, and as I turned my back against the “other” goat to walk inside, I felt a weight of guilt on my shoulders. A guilt that came from the question inside my head that asked, “If he started to allow me to gain his trust, even just a tiny bit, by breaking down his brick wall and peeling away his thick mask in just a brief hour, then imagine how much he could “break out of his shell” if that little trust turned into full trust?” But unfortunately we will never know the answer to this question if we continue to ignore him as just the “other goat” with a lost cause. That makes me sad.
It’s amazing how a simple goat can evoke such strong emotions, both from the past and present, within just an hour. I wrote this in my journal and didn’t think anything of it, but it continued to stay on my mind days later. I thought maybe that someone out there, maybe even you, could relate with this simple “other” goat, as did I. See you next week as my journey at AFH continues, and let’s hope it’s a good week for both of us!
Big Adjustment
by Pam on Jul.18, 2011, under Uncategorized
I came to A Friend’s House (AFH) a little over two months ago to help me sort through my past pain, current pain, and my long history of chronic depression. My first day at AFH was long and honestly not fun at all. After I unpacked and went throughout the day it was going “ok” but after chores I thought to myself “and this is what you’re getting yourself into?,” in not the most positive way. But as you can tell from the two journal entries below things have started to change from the bad to the good.
Day 2:
- Numb
- Holding back the tears
- Trapped and out of place
- Alone and nobody around me understands
- No purpose in life and nothing ahead in the future
- I’m 27 with no job or career that I’m passionate about, a useless degree, not financially stable at all, still depending on my parents as if I were a child, no significant other or no where near even starting my own family…
- It just seems like the odds are against me and maybe I’m fighting a battle that wasn’t meant be to fought
Day 30:
I feel angry at myself for admitting that I do have some hope and am not completely hopeless, while for so long I have been trying to convince myself that there is none, that I’m just a lost cause with no hope. But today for this first time I challenged this inner belief by responding and confronting this inner dialogue with “no, there is some hope that the way you feel now doesn’t need to be how you feel in the future”. That was scary because like my advocate said it was as though I was letting down a wall that for so long I thought was keeping me strong and safe, and was protecting the hurt and innocent little girl in the corner from further pain and suffering. I remembered that last week I explained this wall to Sue (our licensed therapist) she stated that I may be providing that protection. But I’m also robbing that scared little girl of the opposite emotions of laugher and joy, and — most importantly of all — the chance to create memories of those little moments that come out of the blue that make you unconsciously laugh on the inside and quietly smile on the outside.
As I mentioned earlier these two journal entries are very different. The first is filled with darkness and the image of a deep hole with no rope, and the last is filled with images of sparks of hope, even if they might only last a minute then quickly fade away until they reappear. I initially walked through the doors at AFH numb and leery, but within this last month and a half the numbness has turned into a mix of emotions constantly swirling around in my head. Instead of only anger, grievance and loss, I’ve experienced contentedness and, believe it or not, even joy.
I also came with the mind set that nobody was going to persuade me to change my beliefs about myself because when it came down to it, my beliefs were the truth and their beliefs were just lies. The first couple weeks when my advocate would challenge me with these “lies” I automatically dismissed them. I listened, but didn’t hear. Although I still don’t believe these “lies”, I no longer automatically dismiss them. Instead I hear them and consider that maybe they have just a little truth behind them after all. Hopefully within the next year I will be able to embrace them as the whole truth. Welcome to my journey at AFH.
-Kelly
Freedom or Bondage?
by Pam on Jul.20, 2010, under Uncategorized
Dear Friends,
I want to reference last week’s blog and draw a parallel to Christianity. I think it is fair to say that Christians and would-be Christians alike often struggle with giving their entire life over to God. In the book Spiritual Freedom, Fr. Dave Pivonka reflects on one aspect of this when he mentions how we sometimes struggle with completely letting go of certain sins. Perhaps, he suggests, we cling to our sin because it is the only thing we possess that is truly ours—the only thing we have that God has not given us.
I know that there have been times in my life when I was pretty sure the Lord was nudging me to either stop doing something detrimental or to start doing something He wanted me to do. Sometimes, I resisted because I didn’t think I was equipped. Other times, I resisted because I didn’t want to sacrifice—whether it was a vice I was particularly attached to or simply time and energy I would have to dedicate to doing His will instead of my own. Though I am a firm believer that His plan for my life will bring me more joy than my own plan ever could, I still frequently struggle with actually applying that belief. (continue reading…)
